Over the past decade-and-a-half, my life took a turn from the rough and tumble of setting and meeting corporate goals into the more prosaic one – at least that was the word I used to describe this shift. It began with a mentor-turned-friend initiating me into coaching as a means of helping people perform to potential. For the first time, I saw the power of questions in transactional relationships. The next shift took place when I met another person who opened my eyes to non-verbal communication – no, I don’t mean just body language. In fact, he pushed the idea that 93% of all human communication is non-verbal. Made me wonder what I was doing all this while.
As the journey continued, I came in close contact with two gentlemen, both experts in their own fields, and both with a philosophy that headlined total lack of ownership. “If I have it, so shall you” and “What belongs to me, also belongs to you and everyone else” were the ideas they lived by. One of them led the actual life of a hermit, the other lived in luxury – but both were clear that they owned nothing. For them, existence was the biggest boon and they sought answers without following structural and social norms. Reminded me of 3 Idiots (again) where the student keeps getting thrown out of classes and quietly enters any other with doors open. His philosophy being “knowledge is for sharing and is absolutely and completely secular”.
Moving along this path, often as a lumbering idiot, I came across my first contradiction. In one program, the idea of a conscious helper was thrown in. Even as one was grappling with it, came another which questioned the concept with a simple question, “What does a helper gain through helping?” This question and an empathetic nature kept me torn between my need to help and an actual need for help – both for me and the other whom I sought to help. A student of Gestalt and a reader of Carl Jung’s books would readily understand a victim complex. Was a compulsive helper somewhat the opposite end of this victim complex? While the victim retraces past hurts to stay in the zone, is the helper, who may have been a victim earlier, compulsively motivated to help?
Disturbing questions for a compulsive helper. The positive intention in both cases appeared to be the same – to feel happy. However, are helpers are more prone to compulsive action due to their need to be of service. Also are they prone to extreme distress when they feel helpless to make a difference. Like when a potential client (or just another person) refuses to seek help or shies away from the path shown by the helper. Could this cause acute distress that boils up as anger of varying degrees?
And what if they face the ultimate distress when their target fails in spite of their best efforts to help? For example, what if there is death? How traumatic could a feeling of helplessness become traumatic? Due to excess grief does it or could it result in a forced self restrain to connect afresh? Maybe, their idea of self takes a beating, which may well cause them to seek other options – like shifting away from the core nature or facing a victim complex. At the core of this shift could be a big dent to their ego. Their self-esteem blown to smithereens over a though that they are of less value than they gave to themselves.
Now, this is a fall from grace that we as humans find the toughest to handle. Like there is never a stage where one has “enough” money, there is also never a situation where respect / adulation is “enough”. Ye Dil Maange More is the constant refrain. Isn’t this enough to cause stress? A feeling that one is not wanted? In the modern era of social media blitz, this could potentially exacerbate into something drastic. Unless, one just lets go and moves on. Sound in the knowledge that a helper is only as good as the person’s need to seek and accept help. Maybe, I am ready, but the other person is not.
So, what can I do to restrain my compulsive helping? I asked myself a simple question: “Am I wanting to help because I feel pity for the person? Am I willing to walk away out of compassion?” Would I rather be a Compassionate Helper than a Compulsive Helper? I am still searching for an answer.
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